August 8, 2011
Sometimes in life people look for reasons to dislike you. And they look for reasons to be angry with you. And no matter what you do ever – you will never please them. They will always be able to manufacture a way you have let them down even when you have tried so hard to be good to them. And it will suck. Every single time it happens it will suck because you will never see it coming. It will always feel like a sucker punch. And it will hurt every time. I wonder sometimes if life tries to beat everyone down regardless of whether you’re rich or poor or what color you are or what sexual preference. I wonder if life sneaks into everyone’s closet and waits to beat them down when they open the door to get dressed in the morning or whatever. Or I wonder if money can buy you weapons, those things that you can have that make you able to say no, you won’t do this to me. Security, I guess. I wonder if money can buy you security against the fucked up things life and people do to other people. Because people are fucking cruel. And the world is not your mother. And some people even have fucked up mothers.
I found out today that my dad has cancer, but that is not my story to tell. In the past 13 years I’ve barely seen my dad and I don’t know how to process it. My mom died 13 years ago. We were very close and I’ve barely gotten over it. No, I haven’t gotten over it. All I know is that at this moment I have this feeling like I could float away off the earth. And the idea of both my parents being gone terrifies me. How selfish is that? How selfish is that.
I’m thirty eight years old and I’ve never felt older in my mind than seventeen. I liked the person I was at seventeen much more than the person I am at thirty-eight. The person I was at seventeen would have refused to be a victim. The person I am at thirty-eight has bent over to give people a better angle at which to kick me.
August 15, 2011 at 2:12 pm
“they look for reasons to be angry with you. And no matter what you do ever – you will never please them. They will always be able to manufacture a way you have let them down even when you have tried so hard to be good to them. And it will suck. Every single time it happens it will suck because you will never see it coming. It will always feel like a sucker punch. And it will hurt every time. ”
You just described how I fucking feel about my relationship with you. If you can call it that.
Either way, I relate.
August 15, 2011 at 11:23 pm
You are my brother. You have done a lot of nice things for me, such as letting me and all the kids live with you when I needed a place to stay. For that I will always be thankful. There have been times when we’ve fought like pretty much only family can. I will always love you. That means a lot to me. Anytime you want to be in my life, you are welcome. But anytime I disagree with you I will always let you know. That’s just the way it is. I don’t and would not expect anything different from you. And from our history together as brother and sister, you’ve never given me reason to think you would do otherwise.
August 27, 2011 at 4:30 pm
ok. I sat on this awhile now. Almost 3 weeks.
First off, I should have never responded to your blog in the first place. In fact, I have no business whatsoever even reading your blog. But its like the car wreck analogy. As grusome as it is, you cant turn your head. I swear this is the last time I ever inniate any conversation between us.
You DO NOT love me. It looks good to the people that come here on the blog to say that, but the fact is you are telling a fucking lie. Actions speak louder than words.
Anytime I want to be in your life I am welcome? More fucking lies. You need to re-word that to say anytime you want to be in my life thats cool, but only with major strings attached. Such as You (Jenifer) will NEVER admit fault in ANY issues, especially between me and you. And any discussion on the matter is strictly off limits.
Lies. You lied to me about so many things. Like your boyfriend. Like to everybody you blogged to about getting “kicked out” of my house. Holy fuck, I could go on and on. But its useless. I realize that now.
Heres the deal. I will never EVER be stupid enough to be suckered in by you or your selfish thoughtless bullshit ever again.
And as upset you have been at Dad these last 15 years for not “treating” you like you feel you should be treated, or paying for your school or whatever the fuck has been stuck up your ass, you have treated him 4 times as bad. And all behind his back. Never trying to talk to him, only talking shit about him. He has no clue.
And now that hes sick you start this poor me shit. ITS YOUR LIFE. You made every decision (most against the counsel of smart people that care about you) that has brought you to this place in your life.
Take responsibility for yourself. Grow the fuck up. You have 4 beautiful kids and you do not need that fucking douche bag.
Honestly I could not care less anymore about you. I hope only the best for the kids, but as far as you and me are concerned, whatever.
I did some nice things for you? Really. You should think about a career in sales. You sling shit as well as the best closers I have ever known.
Good luck.
Shawn
August 28, 2011 at 3:29 pm
Shawn, I love you. You are my brother. Whether or not you want to believe that is not for me to control. I have not made judgements about who you date or marry. I have not done that with any of my family members. I would never put you, Pat, or Sis in a situation where they had to choose between me and your spouse, and I do my best to never create drama in your life with regard to your spouse or the people you choose to spend your time with. I am not perfect, nor do I think I am perfect. I have made plenty of mistakes in my life. I’m better than anyone at letting myself know where I’ve fallen short. I have not been perfect with you. I have not been perfect with anyone. But I will not spend my life hashing over who has done more shit to whom. I won’t have those battles with you and I won’t hold on to my anger toward you for the things you have done. If you want to hold on to your anger toward me, that is your decision to make. There have been plenty of things you have done to me, our family, and other people in your life that you may regret, but I’m not going to cling to that either. You are my blood and you are my brother. I won’t hate you. And I won’t do this. My relationship with dad is complicated and I have hurt feelings over mostly feeling like I haven’t had a father for many years. But that’s not your pain to judge. That’s mine. If you feel your relationship with dad is perfect, or if you cannot see why I have the feelings that you do that is your business. If I have not had the guts to tell our dad exactly what I think it’s for reasons that are mine entirely. Simply because I don’t have any guts to do it, and because I don’t feel like it would make a difference anyway. This makes my feelings about dad’s illness complicated, at best. The idea of losing both my parents frightens me. I’m not asking you to understand me or to love me, or even to like me. All I’m saying to you specifically is that I won’t hate you and I won’t do this. I have an email address separate from this blog and a telephone number. I don’t do confrontation and I don’t do drama. I just don’t do it anymore. Like I don’t do drinking or anti-depressants or anti-anxiety pills anymore. I don’t want any of it. But if you want to be my brother and my friend you are always welcome in my life. Take care.
August 28, 2011 at 5:40 pm
You are the one with the blog. Delete it if you want.
I will not subject myself to anything with you privately. I have taken a lifetime of your rants and personal insults. Your response is fake bullshit for your “readers”. All 10 of them.
I have judged nobody.
As far as dismissing me in your last response….. LOL! Good try. But I already dismissed YOU. I will not reply again.
For the last fucking time
Good luck.
August 28, 2011 at 6:37 pm
Reply or don’t reply. Message me anytime you’d like. Do whatever, Shawn. I won’t fight you. If you don’t contact me ever again, I wish you well. If you do, that’s fine too. This blog will probably always be here. Even if for just the ten readers. And I’ll always ‘fancy myself a poet’. It used to hurt but it doesn’t anymore. Like so much other shit, I don’t waste my time.
August 23, 2011 at 1:04 pm
I’m so sorry for your emotional turmoil Jen…….
But try to be honest with yourself and don’t be a victim of other insecurities…… and write about it….. the suffering, the emotions, the laughable absurdities…. I always loved your honesty… I bought the book……